Blank Screen

Staring at the blank screen,
Trying to find whats behind it.
You search in your memories,
To find me in it.
But I'm not there,
You've erased me out of your mind,
Made it a blank screen,
Walked away, leaving me behind.

Hide yourself inside me,
Look out through the pitch-black darkness,
To find nothing but blankness.
Dead memories erased
from what you found in me:
Your sanity.

Stare at the blank screen
To find yourself in it.
And if your eyes can see through it,
Find me standing behind,
Still seated in your memories,
Still somewhere at the back of your mind.

Defense Mechanism

There you are,
Fortifying your defense mechanism.
Collecting colors through your defences.
Looking through your glass prism.
Filtering shades to hide
yourself in it.

To call it your own,
So you can hide,
Behind the outward illusion you made.
Alone.
So you can hide,
To make me see:
You're off alone.
You dont need me.

There you are.
Rebuilding you defense mechanism.
Destroyed by my friendly overtures.
Collecting bricks from our stoned heart.
Flaming through your brick-kiln.
Casting a roof to hide
yourself under it.

To call it your own,
So you can hide,
Behind the walls you made to stand.
Fully defended.
So you can hide,
To make me see:
You're off alone without me.
You're staying away from me.

But there's nothing I can do
To keep myself from you.

Emotional Fool

This insignificance has got on me.
I cant turn a single head
as I enter the room.
I'm your emotional fool.
Playing cool with what I used to dread.
Or maybe just pretending to play cool.

Playing hide and seek with my tears
You play with me.
You're my puppetteer.
I cry when you pull the strings.
Hold my tears back,
obeying your will.
I'm your emotional fool.
Dressed to please.
Dancing when you want me to.

I dance to your tunes.
Dress myself as and when you want me to.
Draining the blood of the wounds
That I bled
For you.
I'm your emotional fool.
Dancing with the flow.
Still residing inside what you've left dead.
Screaming to let go.

Shattered Dreams.

Brick by brick,
I laid the foundation
Of my dreams, my hopes,
That promised me the world.

Blow by blow,
They got shattered,
Leaving me shocked by the way,
The cards on the table unfurled.

Stranded in this desert in my mind,
There's no water to pacify my burning throat.
The oasis that I see in the horizon,
Is nothing but a false illusion,
Chances of it turning into reality
Being nothing but remote.

Blinded by the curtains that has fell upon my eyes,
I can see nothing but the bluntness of your lies,
That are unbecoming of the truth:
I'm lost.
Lost beyond being found.
Swearing words that I can no longer hear
Till they come back flying around,
To hit me with force,
Burying me in rock-bottom.

But at least I left my mark somewhere,
If not in the wrecked mess of my life...

Well, believe it or not.. this is actually a Christmas gift to The Fragile Rose :P , although its far from being in the festive spirit!! :P

A True Lie

Fragments of my grace that I had willingly thrown.
Trying to hide behind this fake smile that I had sewn.
Killing my conscience when it kept striking by.
For all these years, I have been living a big lie.

A lie that I created,
Thinking it won't be a big deal.
Never keeping facts and fiction seperated.
Dying to make it look somehow real.

A lie that I've held on too strong,
Too much more than my will could ever allow.
A lie I've stretched on for too long,
That its somehow become the truth now.

But no more am I able to play this part,
That has turned me stranger to my own eyes.
No more am I able to carry this heavy secret to heart.
That has made me living a life full of lies.

But I guess this is the way things are gonna be.
Living the lie as if it were true.
The lie you consider to be a mystery.
The truth I've so long kept away from you.

Blocked Senses

I close my eyes,
So I can linger in the darkness
That I can summon at will.
Thinking even the world'll fail to see me,
As I hide in the dark spaces,
Where even light won't ever fill.

I shut my ears,
So I can float in the odd humming within my blocked senses,
Whenever I want to.
Wishing I can escape from the mocking voices,
I get from the world around me.
'Fraid that the fears they keep on reminding me,
Hold true.

I burn my skin,
So I can hide my weak soul
Thats hidden inside.
So no one can see through my burnt flesh and see my world collide,
As my fears vent out in the open.

Trying hard to run away,
But unknowingly taking the fall
For the worse as I fall prey to my own fears.
But I can't seem to escape from it all.

With You

Took your last breath, breathing my name,
wanting to see me before you left.
But I wasn't there to hold you by my side.
I was so out of my mind, I can never forgive myself.
But I couldn't seem to be able to say goodbye.

Head over heels,
I have been for you.
But how I feel,
won't matter to you.
Cos you're not there too see my heart-ache,
For you're no more here with me.
You've gone far away,
To a world I can't possibly call real.

A world that won't welcome me,
However hard I try.
They say its not my time yet.
But I am the one who's willing to die!
Just to be with you...

Blame-Game

The anti-depressants that I take,
The reason why I hyperventillate,
is cos you're never tired
of dumping me with all the blame.
The blame I cannot take,
The blame that has left me in a shape,
that can be anything but the same.
The same way I was, that I knew.
But that wont matter to you.
Cos you never loved me the way I do.
You never cared to see things through,
through all I had to put up with,
just wanting to be with you.
But that was nothing.
Nothing at all.

Nothing you could do could ease the pain,
but it just drove me to the point,
far beyond insane,
than I already had become.
I'm tired of the blame-game,
that has kept you engaged,
Continuously questioning my sanity,
when you were anything, but sane.

What good are your eyes?
If they cant poinyt out the difference
between the truth and your lies.
Lies that you hold true.
Lies that can only keep you alive.

The wax souvenire of our togetherness,
that I had built with my burning hands,
took the least of your concerns,
for you let it melt.
Cos you crossed the thin line, towards disgrace,
And put me with the blame,
that I was the flame,
To burn it all away.

The sweet flavour of your face
as I had known it to be,
is lost.
Lost in the excessive tinge of salt that has made my skin
tasteless to your make-believe.
The false-show you set up,
To fulfil the guidelines of your creed.
The blame-game that never let me grow,
But kept me hidden inside my seed.

Made me believe,
You were with me.
But once I turned the other way,
You engaged in your favourite blame-game.
Nudging me silently from behind
towards my pre-ordained grave.

By those looks, you did deceive
the faintly-lit flame of hope,
that glowed dimly inside me,
Which gave me the warmth I needed.
Which you extinguished by the cold-rush,
of the ivy stings of your accusations and lies,
that did let me freeze inside,
forcing me to die
before my pre-ordained time.

Digging my own grave, alone with salty eyes,
I choose to remain in silence.
Deep in thoughts of all I had to see
that I had to face,
in your presence.
As I go down, I look up with incredulous eyes,
that you've come out of nowhere to bury me alive,
With the sands that'll fill my hollowed self,
Embracing me like no one else,
To make feel whole once again,
To let the merciful angels from heavens descend,
To mark the spot, so they can see,
Where you blamed to death, a soul like me...

// Got to be the longest poem I ever wrote.... I think its crap... Gathered enough courage to post this here..

Baseless Lighthouse

You guided the weak wanderer in me
lost at sea,
Whose ship had sunk long time back,
Comforted me, Invaded me,
gave me the light I seemed to lack.

But where would you guide me through,
when there's no land for me to take refuge?

So what did you show me the light for?
To reveal my misery, fighting the waves,
while I was the lone survivor, trying to figure
if this vast sea was going to be my desolate grave,
And you could throw light on my burial,
be part of my memorial,
Where no one else would be there .

Giving me that blinding beam of light,
guiding me to the nearby nowhere,
for there's no land for me to take refuge.

// Just one of my 3 am poems , when all of a sudden I woke up in the middle of the night, writing the whole thing up. :)

Duality

You are the flame I die to keep alive and burning
You are the earth that stabilises my yearning
You are the wind I've trapped to dry my tears away
You are the water I try to hold in my hand to keep my life's drought at bay

You are the sun that fills the dark corners of my room with sunshine
Reminding me of everything in the world that can be mine
It's the corners of my room where I hide
But it's your light that makes me visible to the outside

I am the rock that chains you to the bottom of the sea
Stopping you from breathing until all you see is me
Forcing you to face the dark floor of the ocean
Making you drink my toxic, deadly potion

I am the shooting star that makes you wish with hopeful eyes
But I fall down to nowhere, changing your wishes to nothing but fake lies
You are the reflected moon in the lake to lift my slumbering soul up high
Giving me everything you can, despite all rules that you defy

You are the dried up maple leaf that falls down to collect my tears
But I am the rope that forces you to enter your fears
That you are everything good to me but I'm the one who brings you down
I am the bandit who makes you surrender your crown

You are a sacred book I carry with me at all times
But I slam you closed once you stop confessing my crimes
Here's the way our lives are goin, struck by this harsh duality
But there's a difference between you and me, for I lack morality

// So, this one up here is another collaborated work between me and The Fragile Rose . This one is the second so far.. Suddenly we started writing this while chatting!! :P .. We sure had a crazy time - me getting disconnected from my stupid net all the time- But somehow we went through all that... and .... There it is... :)

Crepe-paper Wings

Soaked in the blood of your stabs,
My crepe-paper wings won't fly.
They've got heavy with the weight
of blood, dust and guilt,
that they've carried too long,
Flying over the little kingdom I had built;
The kingdom you conquered;
The kingdom you destroyed;
The kingdom that's no more...

You kept pretending to be happy for for me,
Encouraged the gift of my flight.
But underneath, you cursed your fate
and threw stones at me at the brink of my height,
You had no right to destroy that you could never create.
My crepe-paper wings were torn apart.
I was falling under the gravity of your envy
that had so well played its part.
I was falling down to the wrecked kingdom of mine;
The kingdom you slaughtered;
The kingdom you seized;
The kingdom that's no more mine...

I had promised you I'll be flying miles around
to bring you everything in my might.
But your disbelief has got me rooted to the ground.
Your disbelief did cut off the agents of my flight.

There they are,
left to rot and decay
in the dismay of having been cut off
from their owner who created them.

My crepe-paper wings I made to help me touch the sky.
The crepe-paper wings you cut off for your envy,
For they were mine...

But I am

I'm holding on to you.
This storm is much more than I can take.
So please, don't let go.
These winds are blowing my smile away.
It's been quite a while
since I have been counting on you now.

I don't know the reason behind this.
I don't know how.
But I am...

Been long since I thought of myself
in a photograph without you.
Long since I knew how it felt
to be all alone.
I guess I'm just addicted with the feeling
of having you around in my life.

I don't know the reason.
I don't know why.
But I am...

These illusions that you draw up
tell me that you'll go away.
Give me one good reason for you not to escape
and I'll do whatever it takes.
I'm afraid I cant survive this harsh fray
if I'm not holding on to you.

I don't know the reason.
I don't know why.
But I am...

Overdosed Realizations

They took my hand
Taught me how to live,
Taught me how to feel alive,
Gave me guidelines to live by,
Gave me the wings to fly,
But left me in ashes.

They made me wear the crown of their make-believe,
Played around with my vulnerability,
Gave me the chemical that my virgin blood had never tasted,
Although they knew the drug would keep me all wasted,
leaving me all in ashes.

They carved out a totally new person,
from who I already was.
I looked at the mirror,
and failed to perceive who the stranger was.
Living by the drug that now my poisoned blood craves,
hating the insides of me that they have depraved,
I'm nowhere but in ashes.

Home

I open the lock of the door
To find the rooms screaming at me;
Walls closing in;
Suffocating the hell out of me.
The ceiling somehow falling;
All my miseries crawling
Out of my veins as I stand there.
My blood boiling to see the view from the window
That opens to a better world than this forsaken floor.
The curtains hiding
All that this place has seen.
Spider-webs at the corner of the ceiling-
Sign of the horrors of this goddamned place.

I hate my home…


// a REAL, REAL personal piece... its actually the way i sometimes feel. I'm actually forced to feel so...the situations force me...

The Nerve

Armored with the passion to hurt myself,
To see myself bleed,
To cover the scars of the harsh blows
Upon which the greedy scavengers did feed.

I cut open this wound
And hit the right nerve,
Which, for so long
Had nothing but empty memories to conserve.

The fragile flow of the blood flowing through these poisoned veins,
Oozing out of these violent slashes;
Exposing my weaknesses to the greedy souls,
Leaving me with nothing but dead ashes.

The sneers, the humiliating laughter;
The torment they’ve had in their spell,
Have ripped up my steel armor;
Driving me more inside of my shell.

Bloodstains in the sink,
Drops all over the floor,
Show nothing, but my fears, (or so to think)
Killing the coward inside all the more.

The continued stabs I’ve received,
Have made me hide behind my wall.
They could hit me in the right spot again.
I fear the thought. I fear it all.

I try to blankly face the attackers,
But the very thought leaves me shocked.
I’m afraid at being stabbed in the heart again.
I’m afraid at again being mocked.

My heart- now turned lead,
Is yearning to let go
This weak soul I’ve held on for too long.
That’d mean killing the real me, though.

Do I need to write on these empty walls
The feelings and confessions before I die?
Or, can anyone figure the reason without seeing the blood?
Can someone at least give it a try?

Actions speak louder than Words

I put on a new face.
They didn't accept me the way I was.
So, I masked myself with this fake smile,
Covering within all my flaws.

Screaming in the middle of a crowded room.
Yet no one hears a slightest sound.
Lungs panting out of breath,
but all efforts are pushed further below ground.

So, if actions speak louder than words,
Then, why do my actions go unheard?

The Acrimonious Prayer of an Atheist

You took me in your arms,
Made me fall prey to your blind-faith,
Filled me with myths of your make-believe,
And left me in my weak, fragile state.

You said I'm destined to find the answers,
in the eternal search of my salvation.
You said I'll be able to find my mind's peace,
Be able to sustain this abstination.

You gave me everything I ever wanted,
Made me begging you for more.
You made me feel completely at home,
and then showed me the door.

You promised to give me all you had in store.
But I dont believe you anymore!

Made of Stone

Yes, I'm alive, still breathing.
So what if I dont smile anymore?
Blood is still running through these veins.
So what if I'm made of stone in the core?

Maybe its because I dont want to.
Maybe I'm plainly tired.
Maybe I'm tired of taking the blame.
Maybe its cos nothing went as I had desired.

So what?

I'm still alive.
This heart beating mildly.
My senses still recovering from your lies.
My body is still bein pricked by the needles
Of your sharp words and cries.

So what if I'm not responding to your calls?
So what if my appearance seems unknown?
So what if I no longer have feelings for you?
So what if I'm made of stone?

Does it matter to you?
At all..?

Quicksand

Here I lie
With a serene smile,
In quicksand.
Watching the sun set,
The light drawing out forever from my day,
Filling the void chambers of my heart with shades of grey.

The more I fight,
The more I drown.
Up there, the tyrant laughs
Wearing his mighty crown.
Did he call me back in his life just to see me die?
I don’t know.
And I don’t care.
I’ll just give in to this quicksand,
Drown myself with a smile.

The winds carrying the cursed words
That he did swear to me;
Resounding in my ears,
Poisoning me to the core;
Destroying my self-confidence even more.

Here I lie
With a serene smile.
Defying all rules of rhymes
In this unnamed poetry of my life.
Surrendering to this quicksand all the while;
Escaping from his tyrant reign.

Did he do what he did to see me in utter pain?
Does he even deserve to be called “Father”?
I don’t know.
And I don’t care.

I’ll just let myself to this quicksand
With a serene smile;
To escape from it all after all this while…

*************************************************
this one's a real personal piece, makes me sad everytime i read it :(

The Shell

I’m not the shell
I’m the thing that’s hidden inside
In the fragile state of mind and being
I cry.
Cry to be set free
Cry to come out of my shell
Cry to be able to wipe my own tears
Cry to be able to face my fears.
But all I do is cry
Never having the courage
To at least give it a try.

Why ain’t I strong enough
To face these daggers?
Why am I compelled to hide
In my self-created darkness?
Why do I have to rest in the arms of security?
Why am I not brave enough to face a single obscurity?

The dead neurotic cells have gone numb.
They’ve had enough than they already should
Hardening to form my armor, my shell
Deafening me from all the yells.

I’m not the shell.
I’m the thing inside.
The thing that’ll live on
To die.

Ever-Growing Concerns (The shortest poem I ever wrote)

If my ever-growing concerns for her makes her repel from me,
Tell me, when should I stop?
If the fact that I’m worried, is the reason for me to be sorry,
Tell me, what have I done wrong?
If the fact that I can’t support her in her wrong path, be the point on which we disagree,
Tell me, which should I drop?
My conscience or my loyalty?


// just a short one i had in mind. it has a certain someone as the reason i wrote this...But its definitely not totally as it sounds in the poem. :)

The Block

When words fail to define me perfect
When my soul cries to be explored,
I let myself in to this inadequacy,
I let my feelings go away untold.

No ideas to click in my empty mind,
No inspiration to drive me beyond my sight,
Not a minute I’ve left this pen and blank sheet.
Still, my mind is more than willing to fight-

Fight this emptiness that has crawled in,
Draining my mind off everything it lives by.
Fighting for its survival and existence
For its wings are cut off, making it impossible to fly.

I’m failing to finish this puzzle.
I can’t find the missing piece.
I’m failing to let poetry flow out of me.
I can’t find my longed-for peace.

This parasitic inability stuck on my spine-
Draining me out of my sane grace.
The passing hours reminding me of my shortcomings-
I can’t find more ways to hate these days.

If this is the way I’m meant to be,
If this is the way things will go on,
I’d better surrender to my inadequacy-
In search of redefining my identity, unborn.

// This piece is about something we all hate from the core of our hearts! :P

Lies! Smiles! Alive!

Quit feeding me with your lies.
Quit faking that smile.
Let me feel alive.

I know every morning you wake up
Regretting that you are with me;
Feeling that your life’s gone astray.
Don’t worry, baby.
I kinda feel the same way.

I know every morning you wake up
Hating that you find me in your bed;
Crying in the inside while sipping your coffee;
Wearing my shirt;
Craving to be set free.

I know every morning you wake up;
That smile you give is not real.
It hides several lies-
Lies that’ll reveal the real “you”;
The stranger in disguise.

Quit feeding me with your lies.
Quit faking that smile.
Let me feel alive.

I never feel the need to dive
In the depths of your mind.
Cos, believe me.
You are not the one I was looking for.
Maybe, together, we were never meant to be.

But even I fake that smile every morning.
Even I cry in the inside while having my coffee.
Even I regret that I’m with you.
So, you see baby?
I kinda have the same point of view.

So keep feeding me with your lies.
Keep faking that smile.
Let me feel alive.

I don’t care…

// Something new I came up with. Just wanted to know what you think of it.. :)

Up in the Sky

Look up in the sky.
That bird has traversed thousands of miles,
Toiling hard for another life,
Toiling hard to build her nest.
Not relaxing until she has achieved her best.
So she can create a perfect home for her little family,
Protecting it from these autumn winds.
Meanwhile, of love and hope this bird sings.
This is one peaceful sight…

Look up in the sky.
That bird has traversed thousands of miles,
Toiling hard for another life,
Toiling hard to feed her child.
Earthworms in the peck of her beak, she wont stop
Until she has satisfied their tiny appetite.
So they can survive these autumn winds.
Meanwhile, of love and hope this bird sings.
This is one peaceful sight…

Look up in the sky.
That bird is toiling hard,
Toiling hard for another life,
Toiling hard to teach them to survive.
Not relaxing until she has taught them,
To spread out their wings in these autumn winds.
So she can die peacefully, assured,
Her little ones will live on, safe and secured.
Its time to fly…

// A pretty weak piece, if you ask me.. just tried to have that positive approach in my works.Not really sure if i got what i wanted. But anyways... there you go.. :) //

Pretty Picture

The pretty picture of the future you painted,
Will never take shape, I’m afraid.
You did allure with all those colors.
But my mind you’ve truly tainted.
Stripping it off all its pride,
To let it decay, crying at the fact
- All aspects of hope have died.

You artistically painted a paradise for me.
But it was just a snare, I guess.
The bird of hope caged in my head,
Has now been set free.
Well, the harshness of the truth has got on my spine.
It’s got me moved and speechless.
Your canvas has lost its shine.

The thought if the future was refreshing.
But now it doesn’t anymore.
The vile attacks of your false trickery,
I’m tired of defending.
The strike of realization is keeping me jaded.
They don’t seem so colorful anymore.
I guess your pretty picture has faded.

Repentance On Birth

It would have been good if you had killed me in the womb.
Instead you tortured me to death.
It would have been good if you had buried my body in your mental catacomb.
Instead, you slowly had me out of breath.

What was the need to raise me?
When you finally had to take the knife?
What was the need to feed me?
When you had to forsake me in my already lonely life?

I never knew the milk I grew up on would later poison me.
It’s got me dying of several pains.
I never knew your tender love would turn to killing spree.
It’s difficult to wash away the stains.

The long, dark, sleepless nights that I had to face,
Repenting on my birth.
Why did you do all those to make me hate you even more?
Why? Why? Why? Why on earth?

You give me birth and then you let me die.
You raise me , then erase the reason of my life.
You make me smile and then you make me cry.
You held my hand so long and then left me in the middle of my strife.

I’m down with these scars and bruises.
They might not wash away.
Maybe the physical bruises will.
But what about the scars in my heart?

Mindless thoughts

I don’t know what’s gotten into me!! Now I ma like this desperate freaked out kind of guy who’s just yearning to WRITE!! And I can’t coz I’m just starting to wither off, I think! L I try and I try… and BAM! No luck at all. I end up writing something so crappy that becomes the reason of my frustration the whole day. Well, I guess I should just take a break, a vacation or something…

I don’t know why… But everyday seems to be the longest days! Suddenly, weekends seem so boring now. I kinda had the most boring weekend this time. Maybe cos I didn’t come up with anything to write on. I don’t know.

The devil is thinking that the Roses are suddenly being paranoid, who seem to get negative radiations from me!! Haha.!! What else does the Rose expect from the devil?? Muahahaha!!!

Flicker

Don’t die.
You are the burning candle facing the wind.
You are the sinking ship amidst the rising tide.
You are down with your fears, veiled by the reality,
That a flicker of fortune can soon light up your life.
You have spent all your life covering your scars,
Your errs, your lies, your deep dark side.
That fear that did glimmer in those salty eyes.

Don’t be sad. Rise up and shine.
Stand up and face that very rising tide.
Walk that road towards peace.
Don’t crib on all those little tantrums thrown in the way.

Stop thinking about what you dread. Play with your fears instead.
Wipe those tears off your face that pose a disgrace.
Overcome those fears in your eyes that speak such lies.
Give those wounded scars some time to heal. You’ll feel
The spirit of the evil residing in you will slowly die.

Get off that desperation. Kill the frustration.
Look beyond your vision that’s shortened by your obscenities.
You do not know what lies ahead of you.
It’s never too late to come to realize.
You cannot live your life twice.
Look up again and bury your past. Don’t repent.
Believe me! Every second of your new life will be worth spent.
Don’t die.

So just make the best of your time, trying to erase all your lies.
Look past your miseries.
Live in a world where even a flicker of hope will suffice.

/ I wrote this while listening to Good Riddance (Time of your Life) by Greenday. My writings always have a negative touch. Writing this seemed new. I just wanted to start the page with a "positive" poem (or so to say) !!

Introduction

Never been into blogging. I never even gave it a thought until recently. Suddenly I had this fleeting urge to express myself, let myself out, or whatever… I like writing a lot. So here you may find all my poems, my thoughts, my writings, and almost everything…
I’m an introvert, and also very lazy. Don’t know if I am very regular with blogging here… Stick around… and you’ll get to know the real person behind me.

So, I hope to see you guys around. I’ll try my level best to keep posting my poems… lately I haven’t written anything good. Maybe I’m losing my touch… I have a stack of poems that can do for the time-being. But later the blogging can come to a pause till I write something readable.. So bear with me...